Struggle
I don’t want to write a poem
They always come out sad
They come through best when I am upset, weak, and mad
I don’t want to write a poem
Sometimes I’d like not to be me
Because my body and mind do things that cause me to disagree….
Why my hands turn cold
Why I can’t catch my breath?
Why I can’t just be normal?
Why in terms of panic attacks this week I’m on my… twentieth ?
I know I have a hard life
But I can’t seem to give myself any slack
We go through these appointments then never get any happiness back?
When I’m not at an appointment though
I’m in my own head
Spiraling down tripping over all the things I dread
“Just stop”
“Calm down”
“You’re ok”
They say
It doesn’t matter how much I believe these words anxiety still never goes away…
Can’t you see that’s all I want?!
For this beast to finally go
But my soul and body disagree
So on we go with the “crazy” show
I’ve done the techniques
I’ve gone on the medicine
But this disease still gives me no peace!
After trauma my body goes through
My mind then demands once I’m home it needs to take a piece of me too
No we can’t simply do the thing
We must gear up in fear prior, shake during, and break after
How silly of me to think that after these visits you could just let go…
But you have lived this routine for most of your life
Though now the soul is calling bullsh*t
So there’s a war going on inside of yourself
Because our soul knows there’s beauty and that we deserve it
I feel like a third party living in my skin
Watching these two fight
They’ll drag me through mud, won’t let me rest, unless we can all unite
So for now my only defense
While watching the fight
Is to spit out my anger through poems
Beauty shown through the writing which pleases my soul
Though it’s an anxiety coping skill….
So I guess they agree on this one view….
I don’t want to write a poem
I. Need. To.
Camille Thoms lives with NF2-related schwannomatosis. Click here to read more about her journey and click here to hear her read a previous poem.
